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Fear

There are a lot of things that terrifies us. Recently, it’s ISIS and the killings. A few months back, the epidemic of Ebola virus in parts of Africa. A few years back was a tsunami that hit Japan. And a few decades back was the World War.
I am a self confessed “scaredy cat”. Not only these things terrified and terrifies me, but also the smallest of things: talking to a stranger with a language I don’t know. The simple greeting a boss to the loss of internet connection for 2 seconds. Among all I am scared of, I think the biggest fear for me is falling. I hate the feeling of falling. This is why I hate roller coasters and such extreme rides. This is why I never wanted to ride the bike before. When I go to a high building and look at the beautiful view, A part of me is so scared. Because a part of me feels like I will fall. That feeling of out of control and you surely know when you hit the ground you will get hurt. That feeling of falling. Worst, the feeling that you just cant do anything about it. Gravity is such a bitch force.

However, falling is not the number one thing I am scared of. Let’s take it to the cheesy part: falling in love. Well, I’m not scared of this one. I adore it. I like the feeling that you just cant control yourself anymore. You see it and you just plunge into the deep fall. That does not scares me at all. In a way, it is even more exciting for me. See, what terrifies the hell out of me is: being left by the person you fall for.

I love metaphors so just picture it: you once ride a bike but you fell. Hurt your leg and broke it. When you recover, nothing is scarier than riding a bike again and falling and breaking the same leg. Murphy’s law: you might end up cripple after it all your life. Worst, you can replace it with artificial ones but it will never be the same.

As everyone else, I got scared of being in a relationship again after my first love. Why not will you be scared? I am in my “disney” state of mind with happy ever after forever. I tried to fight to prove to myself that was my happy ending but it just didn’t help. Maybe it wasn’t and I accepted that. After that episode, I said I will cool it off. Go out but not in a relationship. Or be in one but taking it easy. No expectations. No happy ending. No forever mindset.

But here I am again. Gave everything. All I have even if it doesn’t mean much. And this is something that terrifies me than the fear of falling. It terrifies me that this, too, will end. And to be honest, I have no idea now how will I pick myself up if that happens.

Loosing him, terrifies me a lot. To the bones. Not being with him just put a dagger in me. I know it’s cheesy but I never felt this kind of being afraid before. The feeling terrifies me so much.

On the way home from a city today, while he drives, I thought about it. Not being with him. That all of it will just memories that I cant even remember the details. It shakes the hell out of me. The thought that he will just be another memory. Another “ex”. It scares the hell out of my heart.

Then I remember I read somewhere, “If it’s terrifying and amazing at the same time, you should definitely pursue it”. So here I am with my fingers crossed, still going for it. Savoring every moment because this is all I have: the now. And as long as we are still together, I might as well enjoy it. And remember all of it. Right then I knew one precise thing though: I love him. I love him so much.

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