Personal

Dark Episodes

Have you ever felt so upset, you just wanted to escape everything? The feeling of being trapped in a situation you just can’t seem to pull the wire? You can’t appear to survive, even. Quite honestly though, how do we even come out of this world alive? It’s either we die physically or we just die inside. The latter, I call: The Dark Episode.

It’s not very strange. The truth is the sentiment is very familiar to me. I have felt to be in this episode before. I have felt the combination of stress, loneliness and hopelessness years back and it essentially cost my relationship with my best friends and my then-boyfriend before I finally got out of the shade. 

One person I know who has knowledge in psychology told me, it might have been depression. However, not because of things I thought—not loneliness, not stress, not anger—but just by mere frustrations. As a control freak that I am, when things spins out of my hands, that’s when frustration sets in and where things get messy.

In a very leveling perspective: my life is great and quite comfortable. I have a fairly nice job, I can travel often, and I have a really awesome boyfriend, supportive family and true friends. However, I forgot all these things when this month came: Because I had a 1 month break from work (spring vacation), my budget seemed to be tighter this time. Not only that, my tax and health insurance came and it was blast on my face. My finances appeared to be out of control. The distance between my boyfriend and I was fairly okay for the last 2 years but after hearing a good news, I felt frustrated again. Pressure in moving sets in and nobody distressed me but myself. My boyfriend situation seemed to spinning out. School has always been nice but in one particular school I had, I am experiencing some bullies and just like that, my job dimed to be out of my hands. One by one, these things piled up and constructed my dark episode 2 (I’m assuming it’s just my second lol). 

Just like the first one (which by the way have almost the same causes), the symptoms are the same: I stop going out and isolate myself. Being social doesn’t give me any appetite at all and instead, being alone in the house makes me feel more comfortable, I am overthinking way too much to the point that negativity is setting in, I get quickly annoyed and angry with anyone and lastly, I always feel sad and alone.

Looking back, if there is something I have learnt in my past episode was it ends. However low I can get, how dark and how much hopeless I could get, I know this will come to an end. That’s life in general, isn’t it? Nothing is ever permanent. And if the good days just pass… well, good news! Bad days just pass too. Sometimes just longer, more difficult but it will end. Eventually.

Another thing was… I can only help myself. I tried to blame so many people in my first Dark Episode. I blamed my then-boyfriend, my friends, my family but they were not the problem. It was me. This time around, I know it’s me. I just can’t accept the fact that things are beyond my control that it upsets the hell out of me. And I know, I am the only one who can solve the puzzle: if I just accept what happening, move forward and know that everything will be back to its normal spin and eventually, I can control things again.

First step to solving the problem is to identify there is one. My life is wonderful, things happen and my perspective is the problem; my frustration is the cause of my own suffering. I just have to let it go. Life didn’t stop of the people who have families who died at Orlando bombing (RIP, btw), neither it will stop for me. Life just go on, it never stop for anybody. We just have to cope up with it on our own.

If life’s a bitch, let’s be the bigger bitch (I’m just kidding lol)

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