“Do you intend to live in Belgium?” The embassy officer asked me; August 2015. “Maybe you would want to get married with your boyfriend?” She asked again while I filled up my visa form for my summer trip as if she conspired with Redmar that he’s gonna give me a ring that summer. I looked at her and smiled politely with a short answer, “Not yet”. She told me she thought my relationship with Redmar was solid as he kept coming in the Japan and I kept visiting him there. She also added, I would need 6 months before I finally get my visa.
After our Italy trip and that Belgium trip, we planned everything. Yet, I was undecided for I wanted the blessings of my parents. Long story short, from the planned moving of December 2014, it went to March 2016 until it moved so far back.
But, here we are. The moving, uprooting… it all starts here.
Like I’ve written before, I always consider myself a scaredy-cat: I’m scared of drowing which led me not to know how to swim, I was scared of bikes because I had a bike accident when I was a kid, I don’t like horror films because I’m scared af. I usually dream about it. I hate dreaming bad dream and waking 3 in the morning. I usually call Redmar in panic. I had episodes of sleep paralysis that made me even more scaredy. I hate rollercoasters even if I have rode so much. And the list goes on.
Yet, I realized I always under estimate my strength. The fear is and was always there. The uncertainity of the future surely gives me anxiety. And yet, despite everything, I still push through. I still flew to Europe alone, I applied for a job I thought was impossible for me, I left my career in the Philippines. And here I am: with the biggest move in my life. No certainity but being with the person I love most.
My knees are definately shaking but someone told me before: courage is not having no fear. Courage is fearing but still keep going.
It will be the last more or less month for me in Japan. When I left the Philippines I said it felt like jumping from a cliff not knowing what will happen. Well… i’m jumping again.
I’m trembling, my anxiety is as high as a person who snorted cocaine all day (lol haha), I have no idea what to expect. But all I have is courage because I know wherever I go, we are all under the same sky. One God who watches over us. Who is faithful.
I refuse to live in regret for the chances I didn’t take and so, this is my big move.
And it all starts here.